Recently, circumstances in our work lead us to the decision to stay in Colorado. In the moment of our decision, I had deep resistance to the realization of this, as I had my heart set on this change. I have been feeling restless internally and was looking forward to a change of scenery and to getting space from Boulder, which hasn’t truly felt like home.
The moment of resistance lasted for one day, where I was really feeling trapped and disappointed. Life was not going the way”I” wanted it to, leaving me in a tight knot of resistance. I was pushing against the current, and it felt awful.
Akshara and I spend the day discussing the situation, as we both have been feeling the desire to find our “home”. He was very helpful and supportive to me, although I was also resisting his calm, open outlook on the situation.
Eventually, when I couldn’t be with the resistance in my body anymore, I simply let go. It occurred in a moment. It felt as if no time passed, in this moment of release. It was a doorway to peace opening, and it occurred within myself. I took a deep breath. I saw the beauty of surrender happening within.
I still felt sad, but it wasn’t covered with resentment and anger. It was the heart opening through the sacred dance of sadness. Once I felt this, really felt it, it didn’t last long. It was as if this emotion just wanted to be seen.
It has been a few days since this opening and it continues to deepen within. It has revealed a different outlook. I am enjoying the beauty that is Here. I awoke early this morning and enjoyed the view of the Rocky Mountains at sunrise, with a gorgeous pink color painted above the snow covered peaks. I stood in front of them and felt enormous gratitude for my life, for my opening and for this moment.
Life gives us opportunities to open further in everyday life. Some are small opportunities, others are larger, in which our life direction seemed to be in conflict with our desire.
My desire is to be Here and to continue to open. In that, there in true beauty. No place can compare to the beauty of allowing.
Colorado is an amazing place to live. We have since discussed moving to a smaller area, a place where we can be closer to water, which I love. Colorado has some beautiful lakes and I would love to be able to spend time kayaking and being nourished by water. And to be honest, I would really miss the hot springs if we moved too far away.
For now, I am appreciating what is here, without moving. As I am still in this moment, I feel a burning within. Something is burning the resistance away. Something is burning away what is not true and what is impermanent. I am so grateful.